A Cancerous Growth

So today my brain overloaded… let me hurry to write that the headline is metaphorical, just so that none of the readers will worry too much about me. Yes, my brain overloaded! Not in the oh-what-a-surprise kind of way, but in the What-is-the-Matrix kind of way! I was given the choice between two pills and obviously chose the one that exposed the true nature of my world to me. It was a very big experience and a very incomprehensible one as well… I’m still digesting and might not be able to render my thoughts and emotions very well here today, since I’m still muddle in my brain. I have to go to work in a bit and will try before that to write a little bit about what happened about two hours ago.

Where to start… I’m listening to Elliot Smith: Needle in the Hay from the soundtrack of The Royal Tennenbaums by Wes Anderson… favourite director and cool song from strong scene… I’m weaving… The music is good for my mood though! This Autumn I began going to sessions at a psychologist. These past two years have been crazy and they’ve left me pretty shook up and confused about many things, so I finally decided to stop to take a look at the condition of my mind and soul. So far my psychologist and me have decided that I have four main areas of interest (or parts of my life which cause me trouble), we have also discovered that I have had a depression since puberty set in (to varying degrees of course) and finally we’ve discovered that I have found many creative ways to deal with the situation some emotional and some rational.

Now I have always considered myself to be a creature of emotion before rationality, although my intellects are fairly keen. Now in my sessions at the psychologist I’m asked to look at my thought patterns and to identify negative thoughts. I find this difficult, very difficult actually! I think it’s because these patterns of negative thoughts have had two decades to settle in and become part of my mind. I’ve realised that the things that triggers trouble in my mind are confrontations where the stakes are high and big changes in my life. Today I realised that whenever I have had such a confrontation or have had big changes in my life I have come out stronger afterwards… feeling better. Despite that fact my mind has done all it can to avoid confrontations and changes by making then into dangerous Beasts of the Unknown. That realisation had a tremendous impact on me. The sharp mind I pride myself of possessing has been working on false assumptions for two decades! Think of the uncountable mistakes I have made because of that, and think of the repercussions following all those wrong decisions! I was dumbfounded and just sat staring out the window while trying to encompass it all… my psychologist remark was ‘Bingo’… Very suitable. I felt right then and there like I was a cyst. Like I am layer upon layer of scar tissue and disease and wrongness and beneath it all is a person I have to re-discover.

That is the journey I’m setting out on now. I’m going to try to re-discover myself while ridding myself of all the layers of history, fear of confrontation, fear of change and of all the stuff, mental as well as physical, I have collected over the years. Phew! Good thing this realization came to me now and not in another two decades. When it did I had the profound notion that had much more time passed I wouldn’t have been able to go back. I would have been trapped in my own self-image, never knowing I was lying to myself… what a poor fate!

Ah well… that was a hasty bit of egocentric scribbling, I hope you’ll find it in your hearts to forgive me. It has been quite a monumental day for me!

About thevanddyr

A guy just trying to figure life out. I will write something inspired here before long :-)
This entry was posted in Life, the universe and everything, Thoughts about life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A Cancerous Growth

  1. rebeccawriter says:

    You write so eloquently! I have to admit I began to worry when I read the title but I know exactly what you mean by a cancerous growth of the mind. Good luck on your journey.

    • thevanddyr says:

      Thanks Rebecca, it’s gonna be interesting to see where it’ll take me 🙂 And thank you for the kind words, I’m happy you like the way I write!

  2. Pingback: Alt det jeg ikke tør skrive og mere | Skudamuda

  3. Pingback: The chrysalis is breached | Vanddyrs Blog

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